Living in Atlanta as a recent MBA graduate, it is only natural to assume that I should know how to golf. Golf is ubiquitous in the South, I have learned. There’s lots of space and people seem inclined to wear collared shirts and khakis anyway, so I suppose that it makes sense. Sign me up.

I am the happy recipient of a new set of golf clubs, given to me as a graduation gift from someone special. I also have a cute golf hat and shoes. I can dress the part but I don’t really know what to do. Apparently, that’s okay because people tell me that as enthusiastic as golfers are, very few people are actually good at it. And that’s supposed to be part of the fun.

I’m all for a new experience. And as foreign as I am to this whole golf thing, I figure when in Rome… But I wonder if getting into golf will make me an incurable goof like NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg. According to the New York Times, he is obsessed and diligent but still sucks. Plus, with my street cred already dwindling, could I pick a more bougie activity to get involved with? Note: several examples in the Times story of Bloomberg awkwardly and inappropriately trying to use golf references to buddy up with the common folk.

Really, I don’t care all that much about how inept or bougie I might look learning to golf. I’ll just conjure up movie legend and cool lady Katharine Hepburn. She was a veritable golf diva.

Katharine Hepburn, golfstress

I’m coining a new term to describe the behavior of people like me: “lazy adopters.” Okay, so there are already widely recognized categories like “early adopters,” who jump on the latest thing right away (waiting patiently on long lines for iPhones and the like)  and “late adopters,” who are doggedly determined to live in the past (still using dial-up and afraid to make internet purchases).

“Lazy adopters” are well aware of the newest technology and hot trends. We make a point of learning about them. We have every intention of trailblazing and copping the newest freshest thing from the oven. We just take longer to get around to it. It’s on a list somewhere. Something else came up. We got distracted. Or we started with the new thing but only got halfway there.  For instance, we get the memo on the free pre-release of a new album exclusively on the internet for the next 48 hours only. We even download it. We just don’t get around to unzipping it and adding it to our iTunes library?

You get me? Maybe I’m alone but I’ll assume there are others who will just never get around to commenting.

I am a native New Yorker currently living in Atlanta, GA. It’s definitely a different kind of urban experience. While I live only minutes away from downtown, I’m in a house with a big backyard and lots of critters on the loose in the wild. There are squirrels, possums, raccoons, and even a few deer spotted around the way. The backyard habitat and I have become “frenemies.”

I am willing to admit that I don’t really know jack about yards, gardens, and nature. Keeping a potted plant alive was a big accomplishment for me. Now I have this big, intimidating but wonderfully tempting space. I have images of myself all geared up as a gardener and digging in to produce various soil-fresh bounties. All of it free from pesticides and much cheaper than Whole Foods. I have a long way to go but why am I so opposed to pesticides? It’s kind of a long story but has to do with months I spent interviewing people injured from overexposure to chemicals.

Taming a big yard with no pesticides is a challenge. I know that there will be ups and downs. Here’s an up. I had a nasty tangle with marauding ants, and I won! We’d dug up a bunch of weeds and aggressively growing mint. This might have disrupted the ants. I found out later on that they don’t like mint. So even though the mint was starting to become a nuisance as it encircled the house, it was likely serving a purpose.

Unfettered ants marched up the deck and into our kitchen. I came home to find them having an ant festival in the dishwasher. The nasty little feckers had an efficient little highway formed all along our sink. People said we should spray them and surround the exterior of the house in a pesticide circle. I didn’t like that idea but I also wanted to avoid sharing the kitchen with the ants.

I had to wage a multi-pronged attack. I armed myself with knowledge from an internet scavenge. Among the things that ants don’t like:

• Mint (see above)
• Cayenne pepper
• Garlic
• Talcum powder
• Vinegar (a friend tipped me on this and I got them out of my bathroom with this trick once before)
• Cucumber (especially the peels)

Plus, if you find the anthill (this works for fire ants but probably other varieties as well), and have a good series of dry days, I have heard that you should get your hands on some instant grits. Sprinkle the grits near the ant mound. The ants will munch on the grits and take them back to the queen. The grits expand in ants bellies and will make them go pop. When the queen gets whacked, the whole community dissipates. I have not tried this. It sounds kind of sad, but this is war. And no, before you ask, apparently grits don’t just work on Georgia ants.

Also, make a mixture of equal parts (about a teaspoon each) of honey, aspartame (that sugar substitute stuff that I always thought was kind of questionable) and borax (Not to be confused with Borat, Borax is an old school cleaning detergent. I found it in the laundry detergent section at the supermarket) This will jack up ant invaders good. Make the stuff into a paste and put it into small bottle. Put the bottle on its side somewhere along the ant path. The ants will enjoy the concoction but just cause it tastes good don’t make it good for you. It’s harmless compared to those industrial strength pesticides (although you should probably not eat it either and keep it away from children and pets, like any cleaning product).

I also learned that ants are very territorial and can sniff the pheromones of other members of their colony. That’s why they’re so great at following each other and forming a rapid trail with an almost unstoppable persistence. The strategy is to disrupt the path while attacking the source.

I used a combination of remedies and it seems to be working. It’s been over a month, and still no ants. Ojalá, they’re done. I looked a little ritualistic and witchy doing all of this but it did the trick. I washed away the ants. Removed anything they might be tempted to eat. Sprayed a mixture of cheap white vinegar and cayenne pepper on their trail (this was hard because the cayenne gets stuck in the spray bottle tubes and ruins the damn things).

Then, and here’s where it gets funny. I sliced cucumbers and put them along the sink and at the backdoor where ants were coming in. I also used mint from the garden but that didn’t seem to be very effective (ants sashayed right by the mint). I also rubbed fresh garlic all around the backdoor (this was the most effective deterrent). Finally, I used the borax concoction, placing away from the house along the ant path on the deck. As the ants gathered in the borax bottle, I cleaned and vinegar sprayed to push back the path. Whenever I refilled the bottle with the borax mixture, I would put it out further on the path, gradually pushing them back and discouraging them from coming further with the vinegar, cayenne, garlic and cucumber.

Yes, I know this all might sound a little nutty but I was determined to minimize use of chemicals. So far, it’s worked. Ants are nowhere to be seen and I’m done with the vinegar, mint, cayenne, cucumber and garlic antics, so our kitchen doesn’t smell like the vinaigrette from hell anymore. And I am very grateful for this victory because now I am getting my butt kicked by flies on the deck and what seems to be nest of underground bees lurking underneath the deck. Bees? I might have to get professional help for things that sting.